(This parody was written by Rob Averbeck and posted to a Yahoo message board dedicated to the Spenser novels back in the early 2000s. Bob Ames included the parody on B&B with Averbeck's permission.)
The Spenser Manuscript[]
I was in my office looking through the door at the cute girl who worked across the way. I was eating doughnuts with Hawk. Half a cup of coffee was on my desk. The other half of the cup was filled with decaf. I was experimenting again. I looked out the window to where Linda Thomas no longer worked, then looked at Hawk. He left something to be desired.
Hawk left and Susan showed up and we talked then had sex. We talked about sex, mostly. This was before we had sex. Afterwards we talked some more. About the sex we'd just had. Susan made my chest feel tight as she had since the day I saw her in the guidance counselor's office.
Susan left and I went to lunch with Rita Fiore. Rita was wearing a tight skirt that accentuated her fine form. She asked if Suse and I were still together, then said it was a shame that we were. I did a one arm push up. Rita gave me a case and I took it.
I didn't know anything about this case. Which was not an entirely novel situation in my life. Dick Tracy's crimestopper tips pointed me in the direction of the Boston Police Department.
When I got there, Martin Quirk was at his desk. He looked as he always looked: like he'd just been martinized at the local laundromat. Frank Belson was there chewing on a cigar. I didn't think he'd find my martinizing joke funny, so I let it pass. He was always telling me I wasn't as funny as I thought I was.
With the information I'd gotten from Belson and Quirk, I knew I'd need Hawk's help on this case. I went to the Harbor Health Club. The Club is run by Henry Cimoli. He keeps a heavy bag in the back room of what is now an industrial strength spa as an homage to his days as a fighter. Hawk was there bench pressing a million pounds. Everyone there, by the way, was looking at Hawk covertly. He showed no effort at all in what he was doing.
"Hey Sambo! I need your help on a case," I said.
"Racial invective," Hawk said.
"You in?" I said.
"Sho' nuff, boss," Hawk said.
Then we left, beat some people up, and knew more about the case. I went to Susan's house. Pearl the Wonder Dog insinuated herself between Suse and I as we embraced at the door. Then we made love. Susan and I, not Pearl and I. Then we ate. This time it was Suse and I and Pearl. Susan fed her some of the pate de fois gras I had whipped up. Then we talked about the case. Susan had some good insights into the case. Then we were going to do the dishes, but instead we flirted a little then had sex again.
Since I was at a stopping point on the case, I did what I always did when I didn't know what else to do: I followed someone. I sat around outside the house where an important person in the case lived. I ate doughnuts. Beside me on the dash was a cup of coffee. I left the half with the decaf in it at the Dunkin Donuts. I counted the names of all the girls I'd slept with. I worked on my all time best baseball roster. I did not bring a cell phone with me to pass the time while I waited for someone to emerge from the house. I did not bring a radio or a book on tape. I was bored.
Eventually someone came out of the house and I followed them. They lead me to Joe Broz. This complicated matters. If they were involved with Broz, I knew they were bad news. I called Hawk. We followed the person back home and confronted that person. That person did not confess so I either worked out a deal with them or killed them.
Then I went home and had sex with Susan.